HOW TO AMERICANIZE THE ENGLISH AND WALES GREEN PARTY

So yea… Yesterdays post talked about the last two days of the English and Wales Green Party Autumn Conference and focused mostly on the YES! –v- Green Empowerment debate which I thought was interesting but didn’t really communicate that well… But anyhow I regress… The thing I skipped over was the “REVUE” which was at like 11pm on the Saturday of the conference and was meant to make light of everything after the long stressful day…

Their were a bunch of acts… One guy talked about cycling across the country and that was well… boring. This old guy sang drinking songs but was like 103 and mumbled everything… Some hippies did a funny act about the leadership debate and some dude read a poem that was Bush and Blair bashing that he assured would be funny but it wasn’t… at all…

Their was an act later in the night that made fun of the leadership debate that was hilarious but I couldn’t describe it. I’d say the crowd was most receptive to the last act (the one I couldn’t begin to describe) and mine… I basically pretended like I was the “stereotypical” American and got up in Stephen Colbert fashion and made fun of America by making it seem so great… Anyhow, this speech I gave was all about pathos, timing and crowd interaction so it doesn’t translate as well onto paper(Or computer screen for that matter). And their were parts where I went away from the script, particularly when I made fun of Derek Wall in front of 200 or so people…

Here it is… And as I prefaced it in the conference, I will preface it here… The following is a joke and does not necessarily represent my beliefs and ideological opinions...

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HOW TO AMERICANIZE THE ENGLISH AND WALES GREEN PARTY: A speech by John Hartman on Sept. 15th 2007 in Liverpool, England.

As many of you know I am an American.

Now, now don’t growl. There are a lot of stereotypes of us Americans that are just plain wrong and I am here to ask you to give a Yank a chance, because I am here to show all of you the American way, to convert you to American values and to of course Americanize the English and Wales Green Party.

Now since we preach and REALLY REALLY believe in basic democratic values I’d like a quick straw poll to see who would like to see the Green Party Americanized… Now don’t be shy, those who do not want to see the English and Wales Green Party Americanized raise your hand…

(About 2/3 of the people raise their hands saying they DO NOT want to see the English and Wales Green Party Americanized)

Oh dear… Oh dear… I did not expect this… It seems like I have lost the vote… Hmmm… Hmmmm… Now I guess the American thing to do would be regardless of public opinion and se we saw in Bush’s first election let’s ignore the vote and do as I want.

Now don’t be angry with me. Scientists have been wanting to study American leaders like Bush and myself for years and 99% have hypothesized there is no coloration between what George Bush thinks and what George Bush says… (Speech interrupted by cheering) Now I have to say that I agree with the .01 percent of scientists in saying that I support George Bush and his public speaking… Because to have no coolelation between your mouth and your brain, you got to have a brain.

Anyhow, to be an American political party there are a few things that need to be done. Firstly, your keynote lady speaker, the mayoral candidate for London… A woman? I mean lets face it Americans are afraid of women gaining power save for a few from politically strong families… So now to calm this fear of the people Sian Berry will be known simply as Hillary Clinton. Now Derek Wall, don’t worry I haven’t forgotten about you… In fact, stand up… You, yes you stand up (Derek Wall stands up). You are the kind of man American’s could cling to, but we need to change a few things about you… We need a new name… I know, what’s your last initial? Yea, we will now call you by your last initial… So when you guys see Derek Wall say hello to “dubba” or ‘G’’W’ for short.

Now since this is the Green Party, climate change is a very important issue. But we are going to take an American approach, ignore the scientists and do some real American action immediately. That is why when I get home tonight I am going to edit the wikipedia page on Climate Change and then we can claim… that a reputatiable source, wikipedia, says the English and Wales Green Party has cut Emissions by 90% in a four hour period.

Now my fellow Americans… Is it okay if I call you Americans? A couple things the English and Wales Green Party needs to Americanize besides…
Ignore Scientists
Edit Wikipedia
Call Sian; Hillary and Derek, ‘W’
Ignore the democratic process
Ignore the environment and every major issue of our age

Is of course the key component of American politics today: war monger. That’s why it will now be the official policy of the English and Wales Green Party to do the following:
Invade Canada (Loud laughter from crowd)
Invade France (More laughter from crowd)
And for you Scottish Greens… Invade Scotland (Boos from the Scottish)

It will also be the policy of our party to apply for statehood in the United States. And upon receiving statehood we will abolish this trechous monarchy in favor of the best monarch to ever lawlessly rule ever… King Bush.

Now I know these ‘progressive’ changes are scary. And I know its hard to ignore the environment and science, to ignore the democratic process and to rely on sources such as wikipedia but we will be progressive and Americanize the English culture as well and in doing so these ‘radical’ policies will seem more acceptable… So the following shall occur:
Football (John makes kicking motion) will not have pads and be ‘FOOTBALL’ (John makes throwing motion)
Rugby will now be about throwing a ball through a hoop
And cricket will require running bases and using a bat
You will not drive on the opposite side of the road
Crisps will be called Chips, and Chips called fries

In closing America is an amazing country and to merge its values in the English and Wales Green movement will do good for the cause. The slogan “One World. One Chance” will now be replaced with the slogan “WWGBD”

For those of you who don’t know what that stands for… “What Would George Bush Do”

Thank you. And may God continue to Bless America.

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That speech was amazing… Anyhow to close out the conference on Sunday I helped clean up, messed around on wikipedia and Youtube for two hours at Liverpool Hope University and then walked to the Bus station and had my 6 hour trip home. Went to KFC and got a Zinger, went into my flat, said hello to the guys (who I haven’t seen in 5 days) and than ate… Next post should be a lot more interesting starting with Monday the 17th.

Right now I need to get ready, I am going to meet my relatives from here who were born here… My grandmother is from London England so it’ll be nice to meet some of the family. I will let you guys know…